The Ego and Identities (Taught on Ted Lasso)

September 7, 2022

[Warning: While this article may not be a true spoiler, if you haven’t watched “Ted Lasso” and want to be completely surprised from start to finish, you can return to this article on a later date.]

Last month, I finally sat down to watch Ted Lasso.

Prior to this point, several friends had recommended the show to me. My friend Bess even dressed up as Ted Lasso for Halloween.

But I wanted to wait until I knew I’d be fully present to dive into the so-called masterpiece.

Let me tell you - it was absolutely worth the wait. I relished every minute of every episode (minus the one where Coach Beard goes on his epic night out - that’s a conversation for another day).

One of my favorite scenes was in season two, when Roy Kent (played by Brett Goldstein) is deliberating his transition from professional football in the English Premier League.

[I will recap the scene below, but you can also watch here].

Roy is at home, chatting with his partner, Keeley (played by Juno Temple). He’s clearly in a state of fear, grappling with how he’ll face his next chapter of life as a retired professional athlete. Roy goes on to explain: 

“Roy Kent’s been the best player on every team he’s been on since he was a kid. I like being Roy Kent, I don’t know if I can just handle being some loser husband called Roy.”

Keeley attempts to console and affirm Roy, but he’s not having it. He shares:

“It’s not just a game to me, it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s who I am. It’s all I am.”

Mic drop.

Then Keeley calls over Roy’s adorable young niece, Phoebe (played by Elodie Blomfield), for support. She asks Phoebe to close her eyes and describe her Uncle Roy. Phoebe obliges and responds:

“He’s my uncle. His beard is scratchy. He buys me ice cream. He swears a lot. He’s really funny. And I love him.”

Second mic drop.

Keeley closes the loop for Roy:

“See, I didn’t hear anything about being a footballer. All that matters about Roy Kent is what you think about Roy.”

The Roy Kent scene perfectly illustrates of the concept of identities, a common topic in the world of coaching.

When people seek out coaching support, they are usually feeling stuck about something in their lives. Quite often, they are contemplating a transition of some kind. They might be deliberating a move to a new city (or country), making a career pivot, ending a relationship, or applying for a job. The list goes on and on.

Typically, people have an easy time sharing about what they’re wrestling with and know they’re in a place of discontent. However, most people aren’t able to identify the root of their fear beneath their deliberation: trying on a new identity.

As humans, we’re wired to hold onto opportunities and commitments that provide us with external validation and protect our egos. 

When we hear the word “ego,” our brains usually equate the word with the concept of arrogance. But from a coaching perspective, the ego is a different ballgame - and it goes much deeper than that.

Author Gay Hendricks, author of The Big Leap, writes: “Many of our fears are based on the workings of the ego, the part of us that’s focused on getting recognition and protecting us from social ostracism.”

What keeps so many people stuck during life transitions is the anticipated fear of saying goodbye to a long-lived identity. For Roy Kent, this was Roy Kent the legendary football player.

So anytime we fear discomfort, or the risk of our ego being bruised, we avoid making the change all together. We just can’t go there. We don’t want to be the Roy Kent who quits football. Because without the “Roy Kent of football,” we feel alone. We no longer receive praise from other people connected to the identity we’re letting go of. We tell ourselves the story that we aren’t good enough. Hence - the identity crisis.

But one of the most surprising and powerful things about saying goodbye to an identity is the unexpected and (often) incredible rewards that come out of the new life chapter.

Sometimes we are so attached to an identity, that we don’t even realize how much it is holding us back - for some people in certain situations, it is making us miserable. Only until we shed that identity can we discover the beauty and opportunities that are on the other side.

Shedding an identity can put us on a path of self-discovery. We become reacquainted with ourselves, and get rooted in who we are as a whole human in the. present moment. We start living life differently and notice the beauty around us.

. . .

Heading into the fall season, it’s a perfect time to self-reflect and identify where we are needing change in our lives. Just as the leaves change and then drift onto the ground, we can turn inward to embrace this process as humans.

Today I invite you to take five minutes to reflect on any identities you’re holding onto that may be getting in the way of you living your most fulfilling life. 

Maybe you want to take a break from work to focus on your role as a parent.
Maybe you’re thinking about quitting your corporate job to start your own business.
Maybe you’re realizing that your role of the helper and fixer in your family has run its course.
Maybe you’re exploring becoming sober and attending less social engagements.
Or maybe you’ve been a competitive athlete your whole life, and your body is telling you it’s time to hang up your boots.

Regardless of your circumstances, this is a reminder that you are worth so much more than gold stars and social media likes. Your identities can change with time, and some may stay the same. It’s up to you to decide which ones allow you to live your happiest life.

P.S. Thank you, Ted Lasso, for a game-changing show that touches our hearts, minds, and souls.