Two Phrases that Can Transform Your Life
September 6, 2023
One thing you’ll hear a lot in the world of coaching and personal development is the topic of mindset. You may have heard the adage, “how you talk to yourself matters.”
It’s true. If you work with a coach, one of the main concepts you explore is how your thoughts, feelings, and actions influence each other. While your thoughts are ultimately just that - thoughts - the words you say to yourself can influence your feelings, and cause you to act (or not).
A necessary part of growth is raising your consciousness - becoming aware of how you show up in the world and influence others, and learning how you enhance (or detract) from your happiness. And one of the lowest-hanging fruits is becoming aware of your thoughts and choosing the words you say to yourself.
In a 2005 study, the National Science Foundation published an article showing that the average person has between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those thoughts, 80 percent were negative and 95 percent of them were the same thoughts as the previous day.
In short - it’s a perfectly normal human experience to have a lot of thoughts, to repeat your thoughts, and for them to sometimes be negative. Yet, we still have an opportunity to gain awareness about the specific words we’re saying out loud.
One thing I’m becoming more intentional about as a coach and leader is how (and when) I use the phrases “I am” and “I feel.” These are very different sentence openers that can help or hinder my wellbeing in the short and long term.
First, let’s unpack the power of “I am.” “I am” is what I call an identity statement. It can be used to capture a current or past reality, or help you take on a future state that you want to achieve. “I am” is a powerful phrase when it's used for good.
Did you know that you can actually rewire your brain and gain confidence over time when you practice positive “I am” statements?
For instance, let’s say you signed up for a half marathon because you want to gain confidence in your abilities as a runner. You might try saying “I am a runner” each morning when you wake up to put your tennis shoes on.
Or maybe you have an aspiration of becoming a published author some day. You might practice saying “I am a writer” while spending 10 minutes each day writing free form until it starts shaping into a book.
The key here is building what we call identity-based habits (i.e. going for the daily run or writing for 10 minutes per day) while practicing the positive “I am” statements. When used together, they can really make a difference. Over time, you are more likely to cross that finish line at the half marathon, or send that book over to a publisher.
Now let’s talk about when “I am” can detract from your success.
When we are struggling, there’s a human tendency to use “I am” statements. For instance, you might say: “I am sad” or “I am exhausted” throughout your week.
The problem is, when we repeatedly share a negative “I am” statement again and again, we are training our brains and bodies to identify with that state of being.
Let me share an example with you from my own life. The first half of 2023 was pretty heavy for me. In addition to planning for my wedding and running my business, I ended up moving, selling my old home, caring for my aging dog, and dealing with a mental health issue all at the same time. If there is one emotion I felt for the first six months of the year, it was overwhelmed.
Nearly every day, I proclaimed (not only to myself but out loud and to the world): “I am overwhelmed.”
And what happened? I became an overwhelmed and exhausted person for a really long time. I became attached to my identity of the overwhelmed person, and only until I realized the identity I had taken on (note: seven months in), did I start feeling less overwhelmed.
Which leads us to concept two: “I feel.”
“I feel” is one of the most transformative phrases you can use to move the needle in your life and career. When you are in touch with your body and emotions, the magic unfolds. It’s where the real work, healing, and movement begins.
Knowing exactly how you feel - and getting real about it - is the first step to changing your relationships, health, and career satisfaction. It demonstrates confidence, security, and personal responsibility.
Let’s use my earlier example of Margie the exhausted woman. When I told myself (and everyone else) I was overwhelmed, I took on that state for months. Nothing in my life really changed. I just stayed in the negative cycle and continued attracting more overwhelm into my life.
Now, would anyone in my situation (going through all those things) feel overwhelmed? Of course. My point here is not to suggest that we shouldn’t practice self-compassion or put a positive spin on our suffering.
The point is, I didn’t have to BE an overwhelmed person. I could feel overwhelmed, while trying on new “I am” statements that would point move my life in a positive direction, instead of keeping me stuck in the mud.
Ready to gain awareness and leverage “I am” and “I feel” for good? Here are a few tips for practicing these phrases:
1 - Think about any goals in your life that feel important for you to achieve - write them down. Then for each goal, think about one “I am” statement and one habit you could practice to embody the future you who is achieving those goals.
For instance, let’s say you want to achieve more more financial stability, your statement might be “I am thriving financially.” Your habit might be setting up a monthly automatic deposit into your savings account.
Remember to write the statements on a post-it or something you’ll see each day, and practice saying them out loud. It may feel awkward at first but with time you will see the benefits.
2 - Think about how you are feeling right now. Write down any emotions that come to mind. Try to get as specific as you can. Then get curious about why you are feeling that way. Play the “why” game until you get to your answer. After you identify the feeling and the why, then brainstorm one small action you can take to work through the feeling.
For instance, if you wrote down “I feel anxious at work,” you might discover that you aren’t getting a lot of feedback from your supervisor, so don’t have a clear sense of how your performance is being evaluated. So the action you might take is emailing your supervisor to request a check-in meeting about your progress to date, and get their feedback.
. . .
There are only four months left in 2023. Now is a great time to gain awareness about the thoughts and words you use that are either serving you or getting in your way. Consider practicing “I feel” and “I am” statements with intention, and start stepping into your authentic power.
